“San Diego.  Mmmm, drink it in.  It always goes down smooth.”

(Let’s just be honest: I’ll be quoting Anchorman the entire time I’m here.)

I would say I’m a fairly independent individual.  I am not afraid to do my own thing, spend time by myself, go to the movies or to lunch/dinner by myself and (gasp!) use a public restroom without a gang of girlfriends accompanying me.  I can take care of myself by myself.  I’m not afraid to fly and/or travel by myself.  Hell, I traveled to Chicago and navigated my way through the West side via train/walking on my own.  (Hey, it was my first time traveling on my own.  Period.  I don’t know why I was so headstrong to take a train to an interview (dumb), but it didn’t turn out TOO bad.   They offered me the job.  I refused.  That’s another post altogether.)

I actually require “me” time in order to function…well, in order to feel like…me.  I’m an introvert through and through and used to the entire living-inside-my-own-head thing.  I’m used to being with myself and dealing with myself, worries and neuroses all.

Why do I feel so alone right now?  It could be because I’m doing something new, something I’m not used to.  I’m taking a jump.  Maybe it’s nerves and the weight of everything from this past year weighing down on me.  Maybe it’s a combo platter.  I don’t know.

Either way, I look forward to running tomorrow morning.  Getting back to the routine.  After that, who knows?  …And that’s what makes me anxious.

First, let’s start out with a fun picture to grab your attention.  I present to you…

BEARFORCE!

A “man band” (not boy band) bringing the bear heat and thumping beats to a dance floor near you.  No, I’m not kidding.  See more here.

There are some days when all I feel like I’m doing is just surviving.  I’m pretty much miserable, whiny and apathetic and doing what I can to make it through the day.

And then there are days like today.  Even sitting by my dad, sleeping in his lounge chair in the hospital room, I’ve experienced moments of hope.  Brief glimpses into what the future might be and what I can do for myself, and it makes me feel surprisingly…happy.  Strange?  Yes.  (Ironically enough, my dad must have some funny stuff in his dreams.  He’s been smiling and laughing the past minute or so.)

But something’s gotta happen, and something WILL happen.  I just don’t know how/when/where.

So as you’ve probably figured out by now that I like to take pictures.  But I also like having goals.  If I don’t set goals, I usually end up spinning my wheels and/or not getting anything at all accomplished and/or quit because I’m so impatient.  Anywho, I’ve decided I need photo projects.  But I need to go out and find something….NEW.  I don’t do well with trying to make people pose.  I also don’t do well with just going out and taking pictures of random things.  I want to make something out of nothing, but I have to have a something in mind first.  Make sense?  I didn’t think so.

My left and right brain tendencies are fairly balanced, which also makes for a fairly confused, indecisive and frustrating existence.  Practicality doesn’t harmonize with impulsiveness, disorganization doesn’t mesh with attention to detail and being overly analytical and uptight doesn’t make sense when I want to be creative and laidback.  Whenever I try to get the creative juices flowing, so to speak, I end up feeling like I’m just coming across as… weird.

So I’ll try to make all of this into an experiment.  I’ll post whatever bits of ideas pop into my head (because I honestly never have FULL ideas), and maybe someday I’ll be able to generate a complete concept.  And go from there…

New photos, people!  I’ll post a few, but check out my Flickr account for more.

(Hint: Look on the right-hand side of my blog.)

From Buzzfeed.com

1. Crasher Squirrel’s Humble Beginning

In this now infamous photo, taken by Melissa Brandts, Crasher Squirrel hopped in front of the camera just as the timer was going off. It was the beginning of something BIG.

[class photo discovered by Lin P]

[ruining a perfectly good snapshot of the leaning tower of pisa. discover by Pawel S.]

[hangin' with heidi and spencer. discovery by gammaworx]

[lurking in the background of a once-happy family.]

[he even crashed the beer summit! discovery by julie b.]

[just before the beatles walked out. discovery by christopher h]

[you won't have crasher squirrel to kick around anymore! discovery by sue]

[celebrating the end of the war. discovery by linda m]

[crasher squirrel is nothing if not a patriot. discovery by accessall]

[birth of squirrel. discovery by beck]

[ruining a gormley exhibit. discovery by pat ronising.]

[look very closely. discovery by pat ronising.]

[andy-warhol-ized, by rex conrad]

[system error, aug. 2009, by jeff l]

[esquirrel magazine, april, 1968]

–Two months later–

I’ve decided to write a blog.  O yeah, hei!

All is…well, honestly…all is still frustrating and craptastic on the Missy Front.  Not to complain, but I’m going to EFFING complain.

Some things are going great.  The financial situation is much better, I have a job, my health, friends and family.  I’ve been running 20+ miles for the last (almost) three months.  The cinnamon roll I had for breakfast was delicious.  I can confidently say I still hate Funyuns.  KiKi is no longer throwing up after every meal.  I’m starting to feel like I’m taking control of myself and my life.

But some things are driving me up the wall.

Much like the previous few posts I’ve written in regards to self doubt and fear, the biggest personal issue I’ve come across is I’m afraid I will never have a profession.  No, really.  Anything.  I don’t have a “trade.”  I don’t have a specialty.  I don’t have a given/proven skill set.  In my quest to try a little bit of everything and move to and from as many projects as I can I’ve come back with nothing.  I feel like a jack-of-very little out of several-trades.

My current methodology = Do as much as possible without focusing and/or paying attention to anything at all.

I know a lot of recent and semi-recent college grads have kind of fallen into the same category; they’re still trying to find their niche, still trying to find out what they want to do.  I know I’m not the only one.  But I’ve worked for years out of college and still don’t know what I’m good at or what I enjoy.  Pick the wrong college major?  You betcha.  *gun shot *peuw peuw*  *wink*

The question is “Now what?”  Yeah, I…don’t know the answer.  A change has gotta come.

In other news, Creed has returned.

Dear God, Help Us.

Last Wednesday, I went to take pictures of my friend Vince’s band, In The River, at The Riot Room off Broadway in KCMO.  The dudes did a great job.  Take a look through and please let me know what you think!

Hi B!

The ice in my water smells funky.

The number one post on my blog is still about that effing penis ring.

The number one search that brings users to my blog is “penisring.”

There are two sides to my conscience, as there probably are at least that many for most people, and I’m starting to fully understand the concept of “devil on one shoulder, angel on the other.”  For me, it’s more like an apathetic, brooding pessimist on one side and the dreaming, go-getting achiever on the other.  Droopy vs. Mickey Mouse… Eeyore vs. Simba …

Speaking of which, which character/s do you think would win in a wrestling match?  Like, a WWE Wrestling match?

Have I mentioned my undiagnosed ADD?  Anyway…

I feel like I can achieve so much, but I don’t know what.

I can finally go after what I really want in life, but I don’t know how.

I have so much faith in myself, but I have stringent doubts.

I’m such a strong person, yet I’m breaking down.

I’m a realist fighing an idealist.

I want to achieve so much, but I feel like I’ve so many limitations.  I’m my own worst critic yet my best cheerleader.  I’m a realist looking for something to set me afloat.  A balloon to be released.  Stomach discomfort accompanied by bloating and gassyness.  Something easily cured…yet so annoying and uncomfortable.  I’m just looking for my antacid in life, damn it.  My Beano.

I’m like a caged bird, a Scottish Mel Gibson…

(Okay, that one doesn’t have much to do with this entry.  I started going with the similes and metaphors and got carried away.  But I’ve always wanted to make a Blingee, so I took the opportunity and ran.  Or charged.  ha-HA.)

Okay, shutting up.

It kind of hit me tonight that I’ve been so hard on myself.  I’ve only done what everyone else out there in the universe tries to do.  I’ve excelled and fallen short,  succeeded and failed, built myself up…but mainly knocked myself down so many times now that I’m not sure I can trust….me.  Anymore.  I’ve tried to be so much to so many different people that now that I’ve actually (and finally) come into my own as an individual, I feel so unsure of myself.  And fickle.  And weary.

Do what you can and do your best, Missy.  Then…wait it out.

Here’s where that annoying “impatience” thing comes into play.

Where’s the Pepto Bismol?